Rebekah turned 1 this weekend, and it was such a blessing to be able to celebrate such a happy event together as a family. The girls and I made her a cake (one for her and another for the rest of us to eat), and then the girls made her special cards. Both sets of grandparents were here for the occasion which made is so special.

This weekend Jay and I finally got to go to church together. The whole experience was quite painful actually. I had decided not to go and then that morning the girls were happy to stay with their grandparents - wonder why? So I went with Jay to church not really wanting to necessarily. The opening song was just the normal praise song that felt removed from me. I had decided to check out a bit and just go through the motions of the service, unable to sing or truly take part. Then the next song was "How Great Thou Art," a song written over 100 years ago and translated into tons of languages - the words are so rich and true - and it reminded me of another song written around the same time called "It is Well With My Soul." A man wrote this song after losing all his wealth and then losing all four of his daughters. I felt in good company with the writers of these two songs and I was able to sing along with tears. The next song was a recent one "How He Loves", that says 'He looves like a hurricane, I am a tree.' Someone in Hong Kong gave us this CD recently when we brought Sarah home from the hospital and this song has been ministering to our family. By this time, my tears obscured my vision and I felt God telling me over and over how He did want me there this morning and that He was right beside me, in the midst of my life and over it all. Then we took the Lord's Supper together which was yet another sobering real truth of Christ's love for us. I could no longer check out and had to admit that Jesus was meeting me in the depth of my pain and way inside my heart where I had retreated to. I felt like an angry, scared child with clenched fists and closed eyes and God was pulling my arms open and drawing me in to love and security. It was painful, and I thank Him for loving me enough to do it and to continue.

I am still grieving the life we had and the little girl I had. She is different now, changed somehow. I don't know if it is because of the chemical trauma to her body or the emotional trauma to her heart, but she is changed.

She is losing her hair quickly now, and she said that she is really sad that it is falling out. She doesn't cry; she just sits with a straight face and states that she is 'really sad' that it will all be gone. She has been the stable one though all of this. I am still having to use lots of energy everyday just to not break down and cry in front of her all the time. I want to help her have hope and not just be sad and nervous, so I pray for hope myself that I can help her have it too.

Oh Lord, I pray this brings her closer to you, that it brings all of us closer to you.