I Believe

View the Chinese translation of this post here.


We were glad to have a relatively quiet Sunday at the hospital since tomorrow (Monday) is the start of the more intensive chemo schedule. Please pray that the IV drugs go in painlessly and that the side effects are minimal.

Sarah and I read Psalm 139 today (below) and Sarah picked out her favorite verse to memorize. She picked, "For you formed my inmost parts. You knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you for I am wonderfully made."

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
¹⁵ You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
¹⁶ You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
¹⁷ How precious are your thoughts about me,O God.
They cannot be numbered!
¹⁸ I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me (NLT)

Sarah read in the Bible today that God made her just like he planned to from the beginning. That He planned these days of us in the hospital even before she was born. She read those words today and I saw her smile. She looked at me with excited eyes, knowing that those words were true! She believes...in the midst of her trial, she believes and is excited!

I can't say the same for me at the moment. I feel a bit down today. It is easy to stay in my previous understanding of God and my relationship with Him of 'I know He is in charge and I pray and live my life for Him.' But now that the foundation of that understanding and belief has been shaken, I am struggling with going to God for him to lift me up closer to him. It is a painful process, a lot like pruning is for a rosebush. The cutting hurts but the outcome is far greater than could be imagined beforehand. God is patient and faithful and I am glad the Bible says that He will never leave me or forsake me and that He will always lead me to green pasture and still water and restore my soul. My feelings waver by the minute so they have no substance to hold too. Thankfully, my God is strong and mighty and never changing. And even now, my soul stirs with a glimmer of hope and I can say like Sarah that in the depths of my heart, I do believe and I want to be excited, too. Lord, lift me up.